Under the fold, of course, since people are squeamish about things like this. I apologize to the people who get this in their email inboxes.
I’m not a fan of my period. I mean, very few people are fans of their periods  but I have the awkward secondary issue where I’m kinda sorta genderqueer and don’t like getting reminded of the fact that I’m biologically female. I can pull it off three weeks out of four, but on week four.
I hate week four.
And then, when the bloody rain starts, it fucking pours. Like I couldn’t use a tampon alone first day, had to wake up in the middle of the night to change a pad, and still often woke up to bloody sheets in the morning. First two days, I go through both pads and tampons like crazy. And I hate hate hate pads. I mean, not only can I feel the damn thing up against parts I don’t want, it’s slimy and disgusting, and I don’t know but I swear pads are designed for girls with a thigh gap, because I have a pair of nasty-looking scars on the inside of my thighs where pads have rubbed the skin off. Over and over again.
Hi. Told you this would be TMI.
Anyways. Days 1 and 2 are the absurdly heavy-flow days for me. Days 3 and 4, well, it tapers off into a normalish flow managed easily with tampons, and then days 5 and 6 and maybe day 7 drag the remainder of the flow down to a stupidly slow trickle that feels like it’s continuing forever. Oh, and this absurdly slow trickle is just enough to stain, but not enough to make tampons usable.
Have you ever driven in a car when it was barely raining outside and even the slowest speed of the windshield wipers screeched like crazy but you had to have the windshield wipers or else the rain would blur your vision? Yeah. That, but with my vagina.
So, in other words, I’m a perfect candidate for a menstrual cup – highly variable flow, capable of inserting a tampon without an applicator, absurdly irregular.
With the minor exception of the fact that I’m a total virgin – never even been kissed – and the largest object I’ve ever had up there was a super-absorbant tampon.
So. I did my research – checked out sizecharts, awkwardly measured myself, and then just chucked all that research away and got a DivaCup, which by all measures technically isn’t the one I’m “supposed” to purchase , but hey, the ones I’m supposed to purchase are like all made by European manufacturers so it’d take forever to get here.
And to my surprise, that didn’t backfire on me.
….This thing is fairly sizable; it took me a few tries to get it in in the first place. Takes a bit of coordination to keep it folded while inserting it, but once it was in, I couldn’t feel it. Yay. Thankfully, removal went fine – pinch and pull. Given that the Divacup is a bit on the long side, and I’m….well…not, I just trimmed off the little silicone tail off of it.
And then wait wait wait for period to show up, late as usual, and damn it, but the Divacup works beautifully for me. I mean, like, it’s magic. Insertion goes fine after I got the hang of it, by like the second time. I don’t bother with the twist thing the manufacturers tell you to do; I just run a finger around it to make sure it’s fully open. And then, I get to actually just ignore it for…well, it turns out about three hours.
Incidentally, the Divacup has measurement markings on the inside of it. I found out that a) the average woman has about 35 mL of menstrual fluid during her cycle and b) I have about that much per day for days 1 and 2. I’ll admit to being paranoid and emptying it every 3-4 hours first two days, but frankly I probably could have left it in for eight. But not more than that.
I’ll admit to completely ignoring the instructions for removal. I just…kind of pinch it to break suction and pull it out while sitting on the toilet. If at home, it gets a wash in Dr. Bronner’s; if I’m out and about, it just gets wiped off with toilet paper and reinserted. Gross maybe, but honestly less gross that shoving a bleached product up there. And with the exception of that one time I apparently managed to shove on one side of my cervix, I’ve never had a problem with removal. Helps that the damn thing is roughly the length of my vagina and thus really can’t get too far up there.
See, disregarding all common sense sometimes doesn’t go badly.
Oh, and if you use Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint to clean, please remember to rinse it off very well. Because…well…peppermint.
And when my flow trailed off, I just started leaving it in for longer, up to the promise twelve hours fine. Strangely enough, my period actually ended much faster – after day 3 – than it did before. Hum. Apparently that’s a thing that can happen. If it stays this way, I’ll be happy.
So. Yeah. This thing might not be for everyone, but it works incredibly well for me. No bleeding on the sheets, no having to wear a pad at all, no constantly having to deal with having a period for a week. Just bam. Over in three days, and I don’t have to think about it except for a few times while emptying the damn thing.
And no waste. No having to dispose of pads or tampons. No having to remember to have at a stash of menstrual products on hand. A much less of a need to worry about maybe leaking or overflowing a pad.
Hey, I don’t like to remember the unfortunate fact that I’m female, and strangely enough, it’s this particular product that lets me get away with it a little bit more.
Divacup – not just for divas 😀
Edited to add:
Oh for dear lord do not read the Cosmopolitan article on this. I mean. Like. No.
I realized my fingers would be going into the depths of my lady bits, so I reluctantly removed my nail stickers. The Diva Cup and I were already off to a bad start. Easiest way to piss me off: make me ruin my manicure.
I mean, I thought I was fucking vain. Cosmo just takes the cake.
 I mean, why the hell do we have to leak blood and tissue and stuff when other mammals don’t?
Oh, right, stupid evolution.
Menstruation is a consequence of self-defense. Females build up that thickened uterine lining to protect and insulate themselves from the greedy embryo and its selfish placenta. In species with especially invasive embryos, it’s too late to wait for the moment of implantation — instead, they build up the wall pre-emptively, before and in case of fertilization. Then, if fertilization doesn’t occur, the universal process of responding to declining progesterone levels by sloughing off the lining occurs.
I mean, like…this is one of the many reasons I don’t believe in intelligent design. Why couldn’t we have spermatheca and only engage the reproductive system when we want to? Huh?
Jesus fucking Christ, the human body is like the worst designed thing ever.
 Pun not intended. [Return]
 In the name of things you probably didn’t want to know, if I give blood within 24 hours of the start of my period, it’ll stop. Then come again a couple of days later. Fun stuff. The first time this happened, I was all like “Wait, does this mean I get to skip every other period?” and then my body was like “Lol. Nope.” [Return]
 I apparently have a “short” vagina. Cool. Didn’t know that before, can I get rid of this organ now? Please? Pretty please? [Return]
 Yes. I am that much of a hippie. I also make my own laundry detergent. [Return]