Pause

I hate the fact that I have to take life a little slower these days.

I hate the fact that I’m often too exhausted to cook properly, to clean up after myself, to eat properly, to wash my hair, to brush my teeth.

I hate the fact that I’ve been put on pause.

I hate the fact that this is necessary.

Its hard to reconcile the woman I was two short years ago with the one I’m today. Eighteen-year-old me was a hotshot young biologist freshly back from the International Biology Olympiad, with dreams and a future and so much hope.

Twenty-year-old me is on pause, barely living day-to-day, hoping that someday I can get myself back again. Twenty-year-old me is learning how to live life slowed down, not on the fast track, learning how to live and maybe one day thrive again despite having everything I ever wanted crumble under me.

I won’t lie: I’m not sure I’m not better of dead, but there’s something to be said about learning how to resourcefully use freezer space in order to cook balanced meals when your energy levels hover just above “asleep all the time”, something to be said about learning to accept that everyone has weaknesses, something to be said about learning to be okay with eating chocolate with lunch.

....hey, it's balanced.

….hey, it’s balanced.

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